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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

He's a Lady Hardware

From Ez, who along with a whole pile of confused individuals keep this blog alive:

There are two mom-and-pop hardware stores across the street from each other in my neighborhood. Which one I shop at depends on whether I need another samurai sword. Okay, I pick according to the side of the street I am already on. Though only one of the stores sells samurai swords.

The other morning fresh out of bed I wandered by store #1 coffee in hand and ducked in because I realized I needed a key copied. The owner said “good morning, sir” and we started our usual banter about the weather, whose coffee was better etc.

“How much is the key,” I asked. “Your key is priceless,” began the owner. Great. I only have $3 and a coupon for a free tasti-delite in my wallet. “But for you $1” he finished. I hand him $1.

“I hope to see you again soon for something more than keys,” he says with a wink as he hands me the key.

I was halfway down the block when it occurred to me that the dude was flirting. Did he read me as a dude the whole time and flirt anyway? Did he realize I was a lady and flirt? Am I reading too much into things? The analysis was beyond my half asleep pre-caffeinated brain.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Me Vs. Man #1

Man #1: But is it a guy or a girl?

This is what Man #1 said to Man #2 moments after I entered the elevator in my office building. I look up, surprised at their audacity, ready to bare my teeth, when I realize they are talking about someone else.

They move on to office chatter and gossip about avoiding a co-worker, until they come back around to whether or not it was a guy or girl.

Man #1: No, but seriously, is it a guy or a girl?

Man #2: I don't know.

Man #1: I just can't tell!

Then, I'm all riled up, and like a gender-neutral tea kettle I screech:

Me: Who cares?

Man #1 turns to me so slowly I'm afraid I might have to say it again. But eventually he turns to face me and says with pinched eyes:

Man #1: What?

Me: Why does it matter?

Man #1: You don't even know what we're talking about.

Me: I know. I'm sorry, you just sound ... really judgmental.

Man #1 huffs and puffs looking alternately at me and Man #2. His anger and confusion make his eyes look like they're about to pop out of his face.

Man #2: Just be quiet before someone gets hurt.

I decide Man #2 is warning Man #1 about me and how I could become violent at any moment. Either way, this is a long elevator ride and we have some time together. I'm on the 60th floor of my building and though the view is nice, it's insane how high up I work. We all stare at the video screen, reading about Kate Middleton's pregnancy, until the elevator doors open at the ground level. I start to rush past them, happy that I confronted this situation. But then:

Man #1: I was talking about my dog.

Me: You're talking about an animal?

My mind races. Am I a total, total asshole??? I conclude that I am.

Me: Ahh. My apologies.


So that happened yesterday, and when I told my girlfriend that story, she immediately said that Man #1 had enough time to think of a good excuse. She argued that it's really not hard to figure out if a dog is a boy dog or a girl dog.

Do you agree with her? Or, am I total asshole?